you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
