is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize