Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
