Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
