you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
