did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
