I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize