I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
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