I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
my liver is dry heaving
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