You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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