Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Vodka?
Forever.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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