Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
