Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize