I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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