at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
