Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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