I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
