thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
