whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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