I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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