did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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