Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
