I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
