the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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