i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
