Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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