Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
