We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
