My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
