I skipped work to stalk him.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
