When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Randomize
