First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
