i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
