A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Everclear isn't food dammit
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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