why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
