If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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