I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
