I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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