who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
