I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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