Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
