I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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