Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
