I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
