Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
