Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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