Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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