I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
