Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize