i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
