I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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