he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
