New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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