i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
