I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
