I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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