his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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