I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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