im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
