I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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