I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
