either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
