After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
