i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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